


The Weight Of Living- 15x03 coda

by heartbreakordeath



Series: SPN Codas/Fix-its/Missing Scenes [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Episode: s15e03 The Rupture, Gen, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e03 The Rupture, Unhappy Ending, i'm sorryyy i'm sure there's gonna be a million codas to this but here's mine, it's not great i know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-02 20:55:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21167726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartbreakordeath/pseuds/heartbreakordeath
Summary: All the things you've said and the things you've doneCan you carry it with no regretsCan you stand the person you've become?~ Weight of Living Pt. 1- BastilleI was listening to this song as I wrote this, thought it was fitting. Also I'm absolute shit at titles.I'm honestly not sure why I wrote this, it's really not much but at least i'm back from my semi-hiatus!! finally! hope this isn't too bad, it's midnight and i need to sleep (after I finish listening to tessa violet's new album oops)





	The Weight Of Living- 15x03 coda

It’s dark when Cas steps outside, the wind picking up slightly as the heavy metal door swings shut. He glances up- the moon is nowhere in sight, hidden behind a sea of dark clouds- and takes a cool breath that sticks in his throat.

This isn’t the first time he’s done this. It’s far from the first time he’s felt unwelcome, unloved, unhelpful. He’s left this bunker countless times, for countless missions and arguments and emergency convenience store runs.

He’s left against his will before. He’s slept on the streets, gone without food or clean clothes during that painful period of humanity he longs to forget.

But this,  _ this _ is the first time he  _ truly  _ feels homeless. 

He gets in his car first, starts it, drives down the familiar road as if on autopilot. He isn’t sure how long he’s been driving when he jerks his hand suddenly and slams his foot on the brake. The car comes to a halt on the bumpy shoulder and he just sits there for a minute, hands and eyes glued to the steering wheel, feeling the rumble of the engine and his own shuddering breath in his ears.

In one movement, he yanks the key from the ignition and shoves the door open. There are too many memories in this car, the one constantly hailed as ‘ugly’ by Dean- the one person he’s not supposed to be thinking about right now. He’s never wanted so badly to just  _ get  _ to him, to walk up and grab him by the collar like he did all those years ago, yell at him for being such an idiot, for letting Cas believe they were  _ okay _ , that they were  _ going  _ to be okay, that maybe some of these terrifyingly different things he’d been feeling were maybe, just  ** _maybe _ ** felt by Dean as well-

He slams the door shut, walks away, kneels in the grass until his throat opens again and he can breathe without seeing red. He’s  _ angry  _ this time, really truly infuriated at himself, at Belphegor, at Dean, at Chuck, at everything.

It’s a cycle, he knows, as he leaves the car and trudges down the road. The three of them have been through it an exhausting amount of times. They’re faced with an impossible antagonist. All of them do things they regret. One of them runs away and goes rogue. People die. The world gets saved through some equally impossible solution. They all pretend that none of the arguments ever happened, that the anguish and judgment simmering just below the surface will somehow disappear with a single hollow-hearted apology.

The casualties this time are ones that have happened before, of course. But there’s no resurrection spell for Rowena or Ketch this time, no miracle or  _ exception _ or anything he or Chuck or some new demon can do. To any of them on Earth, they’re gone for good this time. 

And in a way, Cas thinks, as he walks further and further away from his home, so is he.


End file.
